We were told about it quite a long time ago, and Dana had spoken to Tim about him going.  He’d not been very keen on the idea and had initially tried to convince Dana that she shouldn’t go, simply because he didn’t want to.  Thankfully she stood her ground and said she was going, and that it was up to him if he wanted to.  He agreed to come along after he’d finished work and made his way back from Birmingham.  She offered for him to give both me and Phil a lift back after the reception.

The evening came around and we went to the reception.  I wasn’t much looking forward to it and had managed to get myself into a bit of a bad mood before the evening got started.  Dana and I hung around together not doing much until Phil arrived.  Once he was there things picked up a bit, we sat around and talked as a group.  Dana and I were getting on very well, at one stage she even leaned on my knee while talking to Phil (this is unusual — she’s normally very physically disconnected, the few times I’ve tried making friendly contact with her, the way I happily do with my other girly friends, she’s moved away).  About 9.45 Tim rang Dana saying he was on his way, he just needed to get changed and set off from his parent’s house about 10 minutes drive away.  An hour later he rang again asking where the hotel was.  There was some confusion while Dana tried to explain to him how to find the place, but in the end he turned up.  This was about 11.

Tim got himself a drink, Dana attached herself to him, and he and Phil started chatting, and I felt left out.  So I went to talk to other people.  The talking to other people went on a while, but I was starting to get restless.  I’d been working all day and was tired and getting grumpier.  I just wanted to go home.  After a few attempts at trying to speed up the leaving process I stomped off into the garden and sat in the dark on some steps somewhere for a few minutes.  Once I’d wallowed in my own misery for long enough I turned around and headed back.  On the way back in I bumped into Dana, Phil and Tim heading out looking for me.  They’d finished, presumably noticed I was missing, and come to look for me.

So we all crammed into Tim’s little car and headed off back to the flat.  It was too late for Phil to get the train back home so he stayed on our floor.  On the way back the conversation turned to politics.  Tim has some very right wing and often poorly informed views which can at time really get on my nerves.  I decided that, because I wasn’t in the best mood, I’d keep quiet, so I sat in the back of the car biting my lip.  Throughout the journey I was aware that Tim was occasionally looking at me in the rear-view mirror.  I wasn’t sure if he was trying to get a response out of me with what he was saying, or if he just expected me to say something, but I wasn’t the only one to notice his looks — when I spoke to Phil about it a little later he said he’d noticed too.

Once we got back to the flat Dana started fussing about, offering Phil toast and various other things.  I tried my best to politely get rid of both her and Tim: “It’s ok, I’m sure we can use the toaster”, “we’re both grown ups, I think we’ll be ok”; but it didn’t work.  They stood there and Tim started talking again.  He talked for about another half hour while I stood there keeping quiet.  After a while Dana started saying things like “I think we should leave before Jonathon falls asleep”, and everything looked reasonably promising.  Just as they were about to go someone said something unwise about the Ireland and the Euro.  Tim turned back and started talking again.

I’d had enough.  “Can we talk about this some other time, there’s another 2 hours work of conversation here.”  I can’t remember who said what next, but it was my response that was the problem. “Are you going to stay all night?” “I can if I want.” “Yes, but are you?” Dana didn’t like that much.  I’m not sure too much thought went into it prior to saying it, but I think perhaps the next move was going to be something like “if you are then I’ll give up pretending to be polite and go to bed”.  They left pretty quickly. It just reached a point I couldn’t hold it in any more.  Tim annoys me anyway, and the whole evening put together was just too much.  I would have been fine, with a little bitching at Phil later on, had they gone then, but I just reached the point it was too much.

I know I shouldn’t have done it. I felt bad as soon as they’d gone and I sent Dana a text saying sorry. I bought her flowers to try to make up for it; we’d been talking earlier in the week and she’d said it would be nice to have flowers around the house more often.  I made sure I wasn’t in when she got back on Sunday, I thought it would be best to leave a little note with the flowers and get back after she did, I thought it would be easiest.  Sunday night was still a bit quiet and awkward.  The same of Monday night.  I tried to talk about just other things, but it didn’t seem to work very well. On Tuesday we talked to each other on Windows Live Messenger and we cleared the air a little (we weren’t in the same room at the time whilst talking on MSN, I’d like to point out!).

One thing which was good to clear up was for me to know that she knows I don’t much like Tim.  Before that I’d never really been sure if she really knew what I thought.  While she might not really appreciate exactly what I think (although I think she probably does subconsciously, just doesn’t want to really admit it — I’m still holding on to the thought that once her and Tim are no longer an item she’ll come back and say I was right all along…), it’s kind of good to know she sees the friction between the two of us but can cope with that. As I’ve said before, I’d never win if it came to a choice between me and him.  Rightly or wrongly, that’s just the way it goes.

Let me explain.  Tim is an animator, he draws stuff.  Currently he works for Rare, a computer game studio owned by Microsoft.  It seems that this industry, like most industries based around the arts, is pretty fickle and unstable.  When there’s work on it’s great, when there isn’t then there’s a whole load of talented people all looking for work doing the same thing.  His contract was only ever short — 3 months I think initially extended to 6 months — working on the little rip-off Wii Mii things Microsoft are releasing as part of their XBox 360 dashboard enhancements this autumn.  He heard today that they wouldn’t be extending his contract simply because they don’t have any work for them to do.

Normally this wouldn’t bother me, but this time it does.  It impacts on me in a number of ways.  Firstly there’s the effect it’ll have on Dana.  Tim is very selfish and when he’s worried about something then nothing else in the world matters (this was illustrated well when we were moving into this flat.  Dana was worried about the move and things surrounding that, Tim was worried about his job.  Every time Dana tried to talk to him about her worries he didn’t seem to care, all that was going on in his mind was his problems.  Forgive me if I’m being naive but I thought relationships were supposed to be two-way.  Sure he was worried about things, but couldn’t he find any time to talk to her about her problems and try to help, or at least give some words of support?  Apparently not.).  This coupled with the fact that Dana is far too nice, far too forgiving, far too understanding, and “In love” means that she’ll constantly be trying to comfort him.  And he won’t listen.  I’m not going to go into what I think he wants from a girlfriend, I’m sure I’ll cover that more in time, but one of the things is just that — someone to comfort him (I’m not saying that’s not what we all want, but that it has to be a two-way street).  And all this will drag her down.  She’ll feel she’s trying to help, but that it’s not working.  She does understand that he doesn’t listen when he’s worried about things, she said that to me today, but that still doesn’t stop you feeling down and, ultimately, frustrated when someone you care about refuses to listen to anyone trying to help.  Secondly it means, unless he finds another job elsewhere, he’ll be coming home and looking for work round here.  While that might take time, and in the meantime he’ll be living with his parents, in the end he’ll find something and there has in the past been talk of he and Dana moving in together.  That would leave me in the lurch a little.  Once again I wouldn’t have anywhere to go.  Once again someone will have chosen someone else over me.  I’d be left with a choice — stay where I am and go back to living by myself again, or pack up and move back closer to home.  Neither of which sound very appealing just at the moment.

Finally it means Tim will come hounding me again about his website.  He needs it to sell himself, but doesn’t know anything about it.  He knows what he wants it to look like, but not how to get there.  His site was originally built by Phil but a few times I’ve helped him out by making some changes.  When I first heard he had lost his job one of the first things I thought was that he would soon be coming asking for more changes.  This would be fine if I got anything from him for doing it, but I don’t.  It’s the reason Phil stopped working on it, it’s the reason another guy stopped working on it.  He wants it all for free because we are his friends.  Again, this would be ok if he wasn’t so picky and demanding.  We all put up with clients like that because we know that, eventually, they will fork over some payment for the work we’ve put in and once they have signed off on the project if they want more changes, they’ll have to pay some more.  But this doesn’t work like this.  He wants his portfolio — the key to him finding work and making money, the shop front employers see before giving him contracts — for nothing.  So this’ll be more work, for nothing, for me.

Earlier I put “In love” in inverted commas.  I thought quite long and hard about that.  I don’t know if she is.  If she is then she’s misguided.  I’m certain he’s not.  I’m certain that to him, if she left, he’d not be too upset.  Yeah, I don’t see them together much and maybe I’m totally wrong, but I don’t see it, at least returned.  Does she love him?  I don’t know.  I think she thinks she does.  I think she thinks she should.  I think he’s the kind of person she sees in the street and quite fancies and so she thinks she has hit gold with this one.  I don’t think she really does, deep down.  And I wish she would see that, but I think she is too trusting and forgiving to realise that the strange second thoughts she gets from time are grounded in some kind of truth and that sooner or later are really going to cause a problem.

I know this won’t make much sense – I’ve been wanting to write about this for ages but never convinced myself I had the time – but I promise I’ll explain later.

For now I’m going to write about tonight, and a week or so ago.  Tonight after work we went out for a drink.  ‘We’ being people from work: Phil, Cecile, Dana and I.  We were joined by Tim who used to work for the same company, and his brother.  I don’t really mind Tim, he’s a nice chap if a little talkative.  However, a couple of weeks ago he started chatting to me on MSN.  He was wondering if we’d gone out that night as he was looking to talk to Phil about his website.  We chatted for a bit about things, his masters degree, work, that kind of thing, and then he mentioned Dana.  In fact throughout the conversation he kept mentioning her here and there.  Then he said something which caught my interest: “no i dont think dana would approve”.  Why would someone say that?  Time to dig. “I don’t know, she might be impressed by the sentiment and throw herself at you… if that’s what you wanted”, I wasn’t in a subtle mood, though that didn’t seem to matter, “…ummm no.  i take it ..u know about me and her”.  No.  I didn’t, no.  “well …..its nothing really yet”, “but…”, “and iam sure dana will kill me for telling people.  she likes to keep some things to herself…which i respect”.  Oh come on now Tim “you can’t use that as an excuse to stop there”.  “dont know what to say.  nah nothing to say really …dana is a bit a mistery. but il keep u updated….if i know”.  That’s enough, the whole world would know what he’s getting at.  It went on a bit him saying he didn’t want to speculate, me pretending not to know what he might be speculating about to see if I could get any more details out of him.  “well we have spend some time together.  been out a few times..  i wont tell u any other details….”.  Pardon?  Don’t like the sound of that, “then other details I’ll have to discreetly find out from elsewhere”, “no”.  Cue (joking) blackmail threat.  Cue silence.  “I suppose if I’m not going to get any more juicy gossip out of yuo tonight I’ll just have to trust when you say you’re going to keep me posted”.  The silence turned out she’d returned his call from earlier asking if she wanted to visit him at university.  “yeah ….iam not say anything more…because there isnt anymore to say. but il keep u posted…”.  Time to make my excuses about just being nosey and just wanting to make up for my dull life by finding out about other people’s.

Which brings us back to tonight.  Dana has an affect on me – she can be the reason I’m happy and the reason I’m miserable.  Two weeks ago we went out, I sat next to her, talked to her, argued with her, messed about, played little games with her, was very happy.  This week we went out, I didn’t sit next to her, I didn’t talk to her much, I didn’t play, I didn’t argue, and I was miserable.  I don’t know if I brought it on myself a bit – we stopped at one little bar near the station before we met up with Tim and I sat there feeling a bit down – just the fact I knew Tim was going to be there and how he felt about her was apparently enough to make me feel miserable.  That’s silly, isn’t it?  We met up with Tim and his brother and after considerable messing about with her and him trying to organise where we were going (which didn’t exactly help my mood), all sat down in the pub garden.  Dana, Cecile and Tim on one side; Pip, Phil and me on the other (in that order, me opposite Tim, etc.).  I tried to make the most of it and cheer up a bit.  One or two reasonably ‘innocent’ things happened between them – Tim went to order food and she went with him (I don’t know if she offered or he asked).  Fine, you’d think.  Not for me, not following what he told me before.  I know why I ask her to help me get drinks.  Maybe I now realise what a useless smokescreen that one is.  On their return he mentions something the barmaid did when he complemented Dana on her clothes while away.  Thanks for that, makes me feel even better.  Cecile goes to the toilet.  Tim slides down the bench up to Dana.  Hm.

On it goes.  Little things which other people wouldn’t notice.  Where he sits when we move inside, the way he points himself, the little looks he gives her when talking.

But now I’m getting confused.  I know what he thinks, if he hadn’t told me I’d have read it tonight, but I am baffled by her.  Totally stuck.  “dana is a bit a mistery”.  Yes, she is.  I don’t get her, I can’t understand what she thinks.  She’s expressed her concern for my mood once or twice, mouthing “are you ok” a few times, me saying I am just tired and that kind of thing.  I’m now getting more aware that she keeps catching my eye, she’s looking at me but I don’t know why.  Is she just concerned that her friend is a bit miserable?  I don’t understand.  I smile a few times, pull the odd ‘what are you looking at me for’ face, fail to understand the response and look away giggling a bit.

Trying to bring her back round to concentrating on her – she’s apparently not paying him enough attention – Tim reaches over to roll her ring round toward him to look at it.  She moved her hand away and rolls the ring round away from him.  Later as we’re leaving Phil and Cecile at Phil’s house and heading back here he puts his arm around her shoulders.  She stays.  I want her to move away, but she’s not trying to.  I don’t like it.  I carry on watching quietly.  She does then move out of his reach, noticeably out of his reach, a foot or so away from him.  It’s a proper definite step.  This I like.  At the time.  Thinking now, did she just want to move away so we didn’t think she liked him, to not make it too obvious?  Am I just being stupidly paranoid?

So I’m back home and I’m thinking about it all.  I want to know what she thinks.  Part of me thinks it wouldn’t be a problem to just say: “Tim really likes you, you could tell on Friday”.  See what she says: “I know, it’s a bit alkward”; “I know, he’s really nice”; “No, he’s just being friendly.  He hugged Cecile to”.  She might be coming to London tomorrow (today, but I’ve not yet slept), and I think I could throw it into conversation there but is it worth it?  More to the point, do I dare actually ask?  Would she feel uncomfortable me digging around like that?  I wish I knew.

I know what would solve all this: “Dana, I really like you and I didn’t want to say because I was scared if I told you it would spoil the friendship we’ve got.  You’re very special to me – I think about you all the time, and you make me really happy.”  If only it were that easy.