So I’d arrived in Lancaster.  The railway station is in the city centre and the university, and so my guest room, is a mile or so south of the city.  In the day there are plenty of busses running between town and campus (In fact there are at night now, too.  There is a night bus service which runs hourly through the night between the city and campus.  This wasn’t there while I was a student which is a shame – there would have been a few times I would have liked to use it!), and normally I would catch one of these, but I had both my camera bag and my large clothes bag with me so I opted to find myself a taxi.

Taxis in Lancaster live by both the railway station and the bus station.  I needed some money so I decided to head to the bus station.  As I rolled my bag through town I passed a number of groups of students out for the night and it reminded me of when we used to go out as a group from University into town.  It was the only time I’ve really gone out regularly – we go out occasionally now, but it’s not quite the same – at University we would go out pretty much every Monday.  Monday was student night in Liquid.  The night would start with us all getting together in the kitchen of one of my friends.  The group, mostly the other people in his block, plus me, plus some others, would meet and order a taxi (or two, or three) to get into town.  We would start off in the bottom Weatherspoons (there are two in Lancaster, the top one and the bottom one).  There people would fill themselves up with cheap drinks and generally chat.  Once closing time came we moved on to Liquid. There people drank more, the girls danced, and I stood around the side just taking it all in.  At the end of the night we’d pile out of the club, back into a couple of taxis, back to the kitchen, hang about a bit until people went off to bed and I’d usually make my way back ‘home’ to my room (I was in a different college) at about 3am.  It was good fun.

Anyway, I got a taxi onto campus from the bus station.  The prices don’t seem to have changed and, compared to London, the £7.10 fare seemed very reasonable.  In fact I ended up paying £10 because I had that as a note, didn’t want to get any more change, and was really quite keen to get to my room.  So he took me to County college where I was staying, between us managing to get reasonably close to the porter’s lodge without actually knowing where it was (I walked past it first time, actually, and had to come back the same way hoping no one was watching me getting lost).  It was about 10pm and the porter wasn’t there.  There was a note saying he was out on patrol and that if it was urgent I should ring security who would radio for him.  I didn’t think it was really urgent so I hung about for a bit.  Sure enough he soon turned up.

It was at this point it struck me how much older I look than I realise.  I had kind of thought that I would still look like a student, after all it was only a few years ago.  “Guest room?” he asked.  Oh.  Is it that obvious?  Couldn’t I have been a poor student looking for him to tell him that the kitchen sink was blocked or that someone had stolen the fire extinguisher from the hall?  Apparently not.  I’m not 18 any more and you can tell.

So I get my room key and drag my bags to the room, number 1.  Having gone the long way around not knowing quite which passages have been closed off by the new buildings, and fought with the front door to the block thinking it was locked and that neither of the keys I had was working on it only to find I didn’t pull it hard enough to open it in the first place, I got into my room.  I’d stayed in this block before and it was reasonable but this time I was disappointed.  The first thing I noticed was the mould around the window.  It has obviously got damp and no one had cleaned it so it had just got worse.  There was also bubbling plaster next to the bed and the bathroom was pretty grotty: mouldy and with a broken fan (this might explain why dampness had built up from the shower with nothing to get rid of it).  But I wasn’t going to spend much time there, so what did it matter!  I left my stuff and went in search of something to eat.

Campus has a Spar and for pretty much the entire time I was there as a student it provided my food, so I headed back there.  It was also the only real shop on campus open at that time (there are a number of take-aways and things).  Campus Spar sells some great Lancashire cheese, so I bought a block of that, some bread rolls, butter and a pint of milk then headed for the radio station.  The plan was to see if I could find a computer which was logged on so that I could use the internet.  The station was empty except for the DJ on air and one of the computers was logged on as admin, so I settled down for the evening.  It’s amazing how quickly I ended up in the same habits as I used to, perhaps it’s just because there was nothing else to do, but I started ripping CDs from the record library onto the playout system.  Time ticked by, a few people came and went, I spoke to someone called Natalie who, apparently, is a postgrad, and eventually it was about 1am.  Time to go to bed.

From past experience I know that the cleaners usually hit the guestrooms about 10am so had set my alarm for the morning giving myself time to get up, have a shower and be out of the room by the time they came knocking.  I headed for the shower with the vague recollection that the water in college residences was nice and warm.  I turned the shower on and tested the water.  It was cold.  The shower was one of those with a complex water volume and temperature combined controls, so I fiddled with it to push it to the point I thought it would run as hot as possible.  It still ran cold.  So I left it for a bit – maybe it would get warmer having been left running for a while…  I was right, and around 10 minutes later I had a warm shower, grabbed some breakfast, and headed out to the station and ripped some more music.

Some point around lunch time Vick arrived, as did Roper.  After sitting around chatting, and perhaps a little messing about, we set off in search of some lunch and a little present for the person who had organised the event in the evening.  Vick works for a radio station and she had her work car with her, so we all bundled into it and set off to Sainsbury’s in town to see if we could find something like flowers and a card.  On arrival Roper and I were dispatched to look for a card while Vick chose the flowers.  Once we had found the correct aisle we began to look for cards.  Now, there were a few which were thank you cards and a few which were just generic blank cards.  We picked a few up, looked at them, and put them back – you know, the way you do when picking a card – but decided against each of them for one reason or another.  This must have gone on for at least 5 minutes until, seemingly out of nowhere, Vick appeared.  In she swept, picking a card off the shelf without much thought at all, and headed for the checkout.  Roper and I were a little taken aback.  How can you pick a card like that without giving it any thought?  We followed here making comments about how we didn’t even realise that pink card was even a card, and other manly things.

Not much of excitement happened for the rest of the afternoon.  We sat in the station for a while, talked to some current members.  I have my card to the current sysadmin in case he had any questions about the playout system (he did, he emailed me although I’ve yet to reply), Vick told the guy currently working on a station re-brand that she could get him voice work from people at her work.  At about quarter past 6 we headed off to get changed for the meal.  Roper and I were both in the same guest accommodation block, and given Vick didn’t have anywhere to get changed I offered her my bathroom.  So we all headed back and got ourselves dolled up.

I know you can’t control it like that, but at what age would you feel happy knowing they were spending so much time with a boy in that way? When I have children I want girls and I started wondering while on the bus (rail replacement service in fact) when I saw a young couple where the girl couldn’t have been any more than about 15.  I think when it comes down to it it’s the person who they are seeing which matters more than anything, but that aside, I can’t say I’d be really happy until older than that.

Maybe that sounds like I’m being too protective, and I’m pretty sure it’ll never happen that way, but ideally I want her to really know herself before committing to someone in that way (when I say commit I don’t mean just in the sense of forever, but when you’re that age you think you’re going to anyway, don’t you?). I think this has also been prompted a little by my trip back to Lancaster — especially going out to the student union’s nightclub (more about that later) — this weekend. The girls there aren’t really that much younger than me and 5 years really wouldn’t be a problem for me if I was dating someone, but I think if I were their father, I’d only just be able to cope even at 18.

Maybe this all actually boils down to the thing most fathers struggle with — I’d never want to let my little girl go.

It’s been fun, if a little busy, and I seem to have got myself roped into making the Sabb Elections site for the radio station.  I stayed at Sarah, Laura and Clare’s house on Wednesday and Thursday and then with Tiffany on Friday and Saturday nights.  That wasn’t quite what I expected.  You see I’ve not been able to contact Tiffany at all recently — she’s been busy with everything a university 3rd year involves and she’s had depression problems.  She was always a little bit changeable in her moods but it never struck me that there might actually be something wrong.  I don’t know what happened to cause her to end up getting something done about it, but she did and possibly it’s helping.  She’s also got a new boyfriend – Stuart.  He’s the LULUMS president, a sound techie and generally very laid back.  I like him more than Rich, but I think I might have had an irrational dislike of him, he never did much to upset me I just didn’t like him much.  Stuart seems to be looking after her well which I’m glad about, especially at the moment.  Having said that, I don’t know how I feel about her having a boyfriend at all.  It’s strange — I love my Tiffany to bits but I would never go out with her.  Still I just want her to myself.  I remember the night she first spent with her previous boyfriend while I was still in Lancaster — she came to see me the morning after and we went to Sainsbury’s.  She was so happy and to see her happy made me happy and it was great, still there was this underlying feeling that I didn’t want her to be with him.  I think over time I put that down to not liking him very much but I’m not sure that’s what it was — I do like Stuart, but I feel kind of the same way about this.  On Friday he rang her asking if he should come round that night to stay.  Tiffany asked me if I would mind, and half of me wanted to say “Yes, I want you all to myself!  He can’t be there!”, but he obviously makes her happy and I couldn’t take that away from her could I?  I slept on the floor for two nights.  When William visited he got the bed.  That’s unfair.  “He came especially to see me” was the argument, which I guess washes a bit, I don’t know.  I don’t really care.  She’s happy, he’s acceptable: I’m happy.  I told her she had to come and see me over Easter and if she doesn’t I’m just going to turn up on her Mum’s doorstep and see her.

And now I have to go back to my flat and see the state it’s been left in.  The decorators didn’t contact me again so I guess everything must have worked out OK.  As far as I know they still have the key, unless he dropped it into the letter box, so I’ll have to arrange to get that back and everything.  I’m hoping having left it until today to go back the paint fumes won’t be as bad as they were on Tuesday night.  I think if they are then I’m going to have to wander over to the office and stay there tonight – I’ll take my sleeping bag, it’ll be fine.  After that I guess it might be possible to camp on Dana’s floor for a day or so, just long enough to open the windows and let the smell out.  The heating’s also off.  The pessimist in me (that’s most of me, to be fair) says tonight will be cold and fume-ridden.  Great.  Can’t wait.

I got an email from my brother’s best man today about his stag do.  They want to have it on (I think) the 9th June when his wedding is on the 14th July.  This is in York, that’s North Yorkshire  This could prove to be a bit of a problem what with living at the other end of the country, you know Hampshire down there south of London.  Bah.  I’ll have to see, I guess it might be possible if I go up on the Saturday in the day, go out that night and back on the Sunday but I wouldn’t fancy it much.  Am I a rubbish brother to even consider not going?

Having said all that, it does have its good points – at this end the accommodation does have lots of grass about, and there are some nice trees which I think would be nice in summer.  Alexandra square would also be nice in summer I think – people seem to meet on the steps and have lunch and just chat, and I can see that being nice in summer.  Also there are rabbits everywhere.  Its really sweet.  They come out at about 4 in the afternoon and just sit on the grass eating until the middle of the night (I have walked home at 4am, and they have all been out still), and they aren’t too scared of people either.  They will hop a bit further away from you if you get too close, but most of the time they just watch you go past and carry on eating.  I think the university encourage them because there seem to be rabbit holes which have been dug into the ground by humans for them to live in.  Its probably a plan to save money on grass cutting.

I know that doesn’t paint a very nice picture of the place, but in actual fact I’m reasonably happy.  In some ways I wish that people on my corridor were more the kind of people I would be friends with, but I guess that can’t be helped, and we do all get on, which is the main thing.  I don’t really know many people at the moment, to tell the truth (the people in Geraint’s block I probably know best), but I think that will change when the societies I have signed up with really get going.  I signed up for Engineering on the radio station (and have been to a meeting about that on Monday night – there was a total of three of us: the current station engineer, another person here for the first time (though he is 20 apparently), and me.  I also had a word with the station’s systems admin, who said he was looking for someone reasonably knowledgeable to replace him because he has too many work commitments, so that’s a possibility.  I also went along to a Theatre Group meeting which was interesting.  The actual talk thing they did was pretty pointless, but we got to talk to people afterwards, so I did, and am quite looking forward to getting involved there.

On the real front (like why I am actually here, lol) I started lectures on Monday.  I have a pretty full timetable all things considered – I think its because I have taken two lab based subjects (which I have to admit I was advised against, but ignored that), and I don’t get a day off like most people *sigh* but I do have some days where I just have like one 1 hour session (like tomorrow).  Electronics is a little dull at the moment – just going though things which I have done at A-Level physics – but I think it should improve.  Computing is also a bit dull (though I have only had one lecture in that, and one practical session which was a waste of time…), but I think they should both get better as time goes on.

Hmmm, I miss Natalie as well.  I miss her like crazy.  Its strange but I think I just got used to her being there (I don’t mean that in a bad way, I mean it in a good way), and now she isn’t I feel like there is this whole big part of me missing.  I’m worried though – I don’t know if she knows how I feel, or if she believes when I say things like that.  I know I’m not very good at explaining things like that, and how I feel, but I really miss her so much.  I’m going to go home this weekend and so is she, so we will be able to see each other there.  I’m so looking forward to that…just to being able to be with her and cuddle for hours.  I miss my Fiancée.

I’ve been here for 3 nights now (Sunday to Tuesday), and things are going OK.  The room is all right – its about the size you would expect for university accommodation, and its actually not too shabby.  I’ve got a friend, Geraint, who is in the most recent college here, Pendle, and his room is only a little bigger…the only thing which I would really like to swap (in terms of the halls, anyway) would be the kitchen – ours is small and pretty grotty, whereas his is big and nicely fitted out (its even got proper cupboards, which is more than ours!).  Being on the ground floor is alright, but there are a few things which are annoying – it gets quite warm in my room (well, at the moment at least.  I think it might get cold in winter because the window seems a little draughty), so its nice to have the window open to let in some fresh air, but I can’t leave it open when I go out because it would be easy for someone to just climb in and take things.  Also The room is a little overlooked.  My window looks right out at block 10, and the upper floors of that can see into my room, and at my desk, which is a little disturbing.

The people on my corridor are all right.  I mean we all seem to get on with each other alright – no one really dislikes anyone else – but I don’t think any of them will be the kind of people I make long-term friends with, or actually go out places with for that matter.  I guess I’m quite lucky in that way – I already know someone else in the university, and so I have a nice group of transferable friends.  The people on his corridor are a lot better than mine.  I think, perhaps, its because there is a mix of male and female there, so the balance of things is a little different compared to our place…but I don’t think that’s all it is…I guess its just a better lot there.  Either way, they all seem to be alright, and I think I might become an honorary member of their corridor.

Actually I went out with them all last night on their Sugar House night.  The Sugar House is the student owned/run nightclub in the city centre, and they are putting on three different ticket only nights to cover all the colleges in the university this week.  Pendle’s was last night, and I went as Geraint’s guest.  The club itself is nice once you get into the back room (there are three rooms, the first one you go into isn’t quite so impressive, and the second is just a bar), but its a bit pricey, though they said that there are often offers and things (and actually last night there was a 2 for one offer on bottles).  As I don’t drink I managed to get though about 5 pints of Orange and Lemonade in the course of the evening, and then had the fun of watching the rest of them when they were drunk.  Afterwards we went back to Geraint’s corridor’s kitchen and sat for a while talking, before they all went to bed and I made my way back to my college.  I got to bed at about 4am in the end.  It was a good night out overall (even if I can’t get the cross off my hand telling them I can get a free bus home!)!

There is something else I need to write about concerning that night…but I think I will save that for later, hehe.

I’m missing Natalie so much.  It doesn’t seem like its been only 4 nights since I saw her last…it feels longer…and I miss her.  I’ve been in contact every night so far one way or another – either on the phone or text messages and things – and now we both have email access, we can email each other as well which will be nice.  But I think about her all the time, and when I go to bed I snuggle up with the teddy which she bought me last valentines…but its not the same as being able to see her and be with her.  I’ve also put a copy of the picture I have or me and her in my room at home on the notice board in front of me, so I can look at that, but I want a hug from her and I want to be with her.  I don’t know when we will get to see each other again, I hope not too long.  I would like to go and stay with her for a night or two as well at some point soon, but she is still in a double room, so its a bit awkward at the moment.  She can come here at some point, but its not really possible until I get everything sorted out with timetables and things, so maybe after next week she can come and visit.  I’d like that.

For now though I have to get on with all the registration and things – today I went to talks from the major departments I want to sign up with.  I think I will stick to what I thought origionally – I’m going to take Electronic Engineering as my minor.  I have to sign up for that tomorrow at 1pm, and then I think that’s pretty much all the paperwork and signing up and things done!  I actually became a member of the university on Monday and got my NUS card then as well, Tuesday I met my personal welfare tutor person (the person I go to if I have problems and things) and then met my major department.

Tonight I think I might have a quiet night in – its my college’s night at the Sugar house, but as I went out last night I think I might just sit in and watch a film or something, have to see what else is going on.

I stayed over at Natalie’s house on Monday night. I met her at 11.30 (she said 11, I said 11.30 so that I would remember I had to set off at 11 – in the past we have said times like that to meet, and next day I have thought I remembered that I had to set off at 11…so get there late!) and she had a few things to do (some shopping for her mum and something else I can’t remember now), so we did them, and set off back to her house. On the way back we were talking about how this was the last time she would be coming that way for a while…it felt weird because its the last time I would be going that way for a long time as well…I held her hand (I always do…but this time) it felt different – more special in some ways. We got back to her house and hugged a bit…and then she remembered she had forgotten that she needed more passport size photos while we were in Halifax. So we had to go out again. About an hour after we got back, we went out again. Back in Halifax we got some more food and then she went for her photo at the booth in the bus station. Those things never make you look good (when I had my picture taken for university I scanned it in and edited it a bit, then got my mother to print it onto photo paper at work so I didn’t look tooo bad…), but she didn’t look too bad in the end (I don’t think, but I couldn’t make her believe that). And after that we headed back to her house again…back along the way we thought we wouldn’t be going for a long time…this time we wouldn’t.

After a while at her house again (doing what, I forget) we went back out. This time Natalie wanted to take me to a park where she used to go with her Grandad. So we set off for the bus (this was after we had stood in the doorway for ages talking to her dad (who was laying a new floor in the front room) about all sorts from hanging doors to cramp), and got off just at the bottom of the hill with the park at the top, so we walked up. It’s kind of through a housing estate (not really a nice one – old mill housing like so much is round here), so we walked up and along to the park. Just by the entrance there is a playing area which has been refitted recently and has a roundabout and things, but no adult swings.  Natalie had a memory of there being some swings which have a view over the valley, so we walked about to see if we could find them. It’s a really nice park – there is a bit at the top which I really like – its Victorian and a lot like the park just by my old college, but less well kept, and I like that. I think parks should be left a bit wild and not totally immaculate…and the way that is obviously landscaped but still a bit wild is really nice…kind of romantic in a way. We didn’t find any more swings.

Monday night Natalie packed. I didn’t sleep well that night at all. I cuddled her while she was sleeping.

Tuesday morning Natalie got up early to the toilet and got talking to her dad (who wound her up about how her mum was going to stay with her at University…a nasty thing for him to do really…but also told her that her mum was going to come with us which we thought before she wasn’t). She didn’t really come back to bed, which I would have liked, but went off to the shower. When she came back I dried her hair, and then got up so we could have breakfast together. Breakfast came and went about as normal, and then we had time to kill waiting for her mum to get back so we could go. Natalie went out with her dad to get some money at one point leaving me in the house, so I packed her stereo and watched a bit of TV. The rest of the time we spent mostly lying on the bed together…just hugging. Once her mother got back we packed the car, and went. The journey there wasn’t very eventful (well, except for when the teddy bear sitting on my knee decided to wave at the car next to us at some traffic lights ), but one thing really kind of brought back to me what was actually going on – the music. It was a tape that Natalie’s dad had in the car which she had made for him, and at the time it all seemed to fit the situation. Each song had a meaning to me as I sat there next to Natalie taking her somewhere I was going to have to leave her for the next few months without getting to see her. Each song just made me want to take her home again with me and keep her.

Natalie’s college is really nice – its got a big old section which is what we saw when we went to the open day, and now they have some brand new buildings for the library and sports center which look really posh from the outside, but I have not seen more than their presentation thing about the inside. Once we arrived we parked in a public car park on the far side of the old buildings, and walked back to the college. There were various registrations that had to be gone though (for financial enrollment and academic enrollment and also to get her room keys!), so we went as a group – Natalie, her mother, father and I – to financial enrollment. We didn’t have to queue long there, and when she went to talk to the people with her mum, her dad and I stayed at the side and talked about just things in general. After that we collected her room key. It was a little hard to find the room (not knowing the place at all, and having only a number to go on!), but once we found the block and got in, we were almost there. Just as we were wondering if the room we had found was hers another girl with her parents came up and we found out that it was her room mate (she knew Natalie’s name…I guess they told her when she got her keys). She seemed to be really nice, and having spoken to Natalie since, she thinks the same. Anyway, it made sure that it was the right room, and it was a nice way for them to be introduced. Next Natalie and her mum went to queue up for for academic enrollment, and her dad and I brought the car a little closer to unload all her stuff. We made it in just two journeys to and from the car in the end (the second journey was with lots of bags!) and then went off to find Natalie and her mum in the queue. They had moved forward in the half hour it took us, but were still queuing outside, so I took her mum’s place, and her parents went off to get a drink in the coffee bar. After about another 10 minutes we got into the room, and went through all the enrolling things. She got her college membership card, computer access information and council tax exemption, then we went to have something to drink with her parents. Once we had done that, and had a drink, Natalie collected her meal vouchers (she has chosen to go catered, so gets meals with the cost of her room), and went back to her room.

Back at her room, her room mate and other people on the corridor were all getting ready to go out to a meeting which introduced all the accommodation wardens and student union reps and things, and asked her if she wanted to go with them. Her parents and I said that she should do (I think that getting to know the people she will be with for the next however long is a good idea!), and so she gave us all a hug (her mum, dad, and me) and went. That was the last time I got to see her…just like that she was gone. I think that it might be good that it was such a quick goodbye because that way no one could get really emotional about it all there and then…

We didn’t stay long then – her mum made her bed and sorted a few things out, and that was about it, then we headed home again. Before we left I cuddled her teddy…I gave it a big cuddle and told him he had to give Natalie a cuddle from me.

The journey back wasn’t too bad, after we found our way out of York it was pretty quiet. I spent most of the time looking out of the window thinking. There were times on the way back that I almost cried…but I held it off in the car…I don’t know how I felt to tell the truth. When we got back to Natalie’s house I went up to get my bag from her room and I looked about. It didn’t feel the same just being there by myself – I usually have someone to cuddle, I usually have someone to be silly with, I usually have Natalie. I unplugged the TV and video player then picked up her other teddies which had been pushed down the side of the bed earlier when we were lying there…that made me want to cry more than ever – I wanted to curl up on her bed and hug them all – but I couldn’t. The way back to my house was alright, I talked to her dad about things (I don’t know what, again), and then when I got home before I got out he wished me luck and shook my hand. I got out, and that was the last I will see of that car for a while. When I got in I talked to my parents who were asking how Natalie was and how things were at the college so I told them all about it and came upstairs. In my room I crawled into our bed and hugged the bear she gave me for valentines day. I hugged and I hugged and I hugged and I cried.

That helped actually. After that I felt a little better – I think it was just getting it out of my system after I had held it in for those hours which helped. I couldn’t help but think about her for the rest of the night, and when she rang to say things were alright I cried.

I miss Natalie, I miss her so much, and every day I find myself thinking about her, I can’t help it. I just want to be with her – I just want her here with me so I can hug her and be with her – I don’t want to have to wait this long before I can be with my girlfriend…because I want to be with the one that I love.

Alright, I’m not going to dress this up because its not worth it – I’m not going to pretend that I have been on the edge of my seat waiting for this day for however long because I havn’t.  I guess its just the final part of my 6th Form College life.  I’m talking about results – they came out today.

A – Computing, B – General Studies, C – Physics (I’m impressed, lol), D – Politics (which I can’t help be a bit kind of disapointed by – I would have hoped I could have got a C in it, but then maybe its asking too much when you have done a years worth of work in about a 6 week crash course), and I didn’t improve on my Maths from last year (but who cares, it doesn’t matter now).

I suppose, really, the point of the last 2 years has been to get into University, and thats all, but it seems a little strange that the last two years now comes down to one word on a website – ‘Accepted’.  I’m sure it will feel a little more real when it comes to time to pack up and move out of this room but just now it doesn’t feel anything to me.

I’ve got into Lancaster which is, if I’m honest, where I really wanted, in my heart of hearts, to go.  I didn’t make Exeter, but having thought about it between sending that bit of paper back and today, I didn’t want to go there anyway.  I’m happy with what’s happend.  I’m happy with the way things have turned out.

So thats it.  Thats about all I have to say about that at the moment.

Yes, I know, its been too long again, and I have been meaning to write this for about a week now, but just have never got around to it.  Im making myself catch up now while I have the time to spare – I’m sitting in college trying to fill in the time I have spare from my cancelled physics lesson.

I had an exam this morning.  It was a maths one.  Mechanics.  Fun.  At least I was entered for it, that’s one thing to be grateful for (at least I sat it even if I wasn’t entered for it…and come to think of it, I don’t know if I was, because my name wasn’t on the list the invigilator had :-\ ).  Anyway…I haven’t been taking maths lessons this year, but our maths tutor (Joy) knew I wanted to sit the exams.  I had talked to her way back after summer about it, and she has written to Exeter, when they asked if I was taking it, to tell them I was.  Still, when my exam entries came though sure enough there were no maths exams on it.  So we got onto the college.  My father rang after a number of days of it ‘slipping my mind’ (yes, ok, I admit, I didn’t talk to her because I just know that she would have brushed me off with excuses, been patronising (as she is), and not been at all helpful).  She invited us in to talk about it with her.  My father and I had a chat before hand and decided that I might as well go for it because I can’t get a worse qualification than I have (slightly strange how the system of A/S A2 works here), and it wouldn’t do any harm if I had a shot at it (I wasn’t going to dedicate so much time to it that I did worse on the other subject I am taking).  So we went in and told her just that.  Not surprisingly she tried to talk me out of it (I think partly because she had forgotten to do the entry and so it would cost the college about £60 for a late entry)…but I wasn’t moving, and my father let me do the talking and finally make up my mind.  Having convinced her that I wanted to do it, she gave me some mock papers and sent me on my way to do them in my own time (this is to bear in mind that I only had about a week until the exam).  I did one, with help from my notes, and marked it, got another one, tried it with no notes, and didn’t do well.  I gave up with running through past papers.  Yesterday I set down to really working on it – I went through the syllabus and ticked off what I could do, then with the things I couldn’t, looked at my notes and tried out some of the exercises I had on them.  This actually seemed to work, and I was surprised how much I could remember after looking at them for a while.  So today, first thing, I sat the exam.  I was amazed at how much of it I could do, and really, I came out of the exam happy (not right, not good, not normal, lol).  Still, I suppose the proof is in the final result – however much I thought I did well, we will see in the end :-\

So I only have another 2 maths ones (stats and pure), my physics ones (one more practice – I have done 2 already) and two written ones, Politics and computing.  Actually talking of computing, I should go to it right now, and I’m no where near finished with this entry :’(  I think I will leave it here, and carry on tonight when I get back home and wake up…looking forward to it already, hehe.

It’s comforting a little to think that I could just do nothing for some of them and still pass, but I want to get into the Unis I have chosen, so I have to do well!  And talking about University, I got a letter from Exeter the other day about accommodation.  They have accommodation lists now, and a little posh booklet from which I need to pick where I want to live for at least one year of my life (that is if I get there…).  I think I’m going to put off choosing until the holidays though, because I don’t have the time to sit and talk to people about it (my parents, Natalie) at the moment.

And on the subject of Natalie – I’m going to spend lots of time with her in the holidays hopefully (around her work, and the college things Im going to do, and the revision we both are going to do…).  Umm, and that’s about all I can say about that, just that I’m going to try to be with her a lot.

And for the last week I have…umm…well done college stuff mainly – I have had to get my computing done (last minute rush, hehe).  I have done it, but now have 2 nights to get the documentation done to the point that I can hand it in…blah.  Friday I am having 3 hours of politics (that’s 10.30-11.30, 1-2, 3-4) which will be joyful (yeah, right), and then in the first week of the holidays I have penciled in 3 other lessons for ‘revision’ (it will be for the other 3 who are taking it, but new for me because I’m behind, apparently)…and they are in the evenings of the Monday and Tuesday, and then some other time for Wednesday (I think, can’t quite remember).

Finally, my parents are off to Malta in the second week of Easter…so I will be at home, and I have invited Natalie to come and stay with me the nights they are gone.  So hopefully

And that’s it I think!

Hmm, this year, so far, has been pretty bad.  There is a part of me that wants to just start again from the beginning, but I can’t, so I guess I should make the best now…but I do wonder where it all seems to have gone wrong.

I had a physics mock yesterday (as it is now, lol), and I got out of it, and I just know I have failed.  I came home and my dad said that I sounded a bit down, so I told him why, and he was quite supportive – he rang Don to see if he would do 2 days a week with me to try to get up to speed for the real exam on the 27th, and he said he would.  So I came up here, and did come more college work feeling a little better.  When my mum came home, I went down again, and I talked to her about it, and she was supportive as well.  After a while though, my dad told me he was working tomorrow – no great problem, except that I am going to the dentist tomorrow, and its a new one which I have never been to in my life…and private.  I know there are going to be forms and things, and I don’t want to have to do all that myself (yes, I know, I’m 18, but I don’t want to be given this huge form to fill in without my parents being there, after all, they are the ones paying!).  So I said I wasn’t happy, and they said I was being silly about it (maybe, but really, I don’t want to go myself the first time!).  That got me worked up again as well.  After a bit of a heated discussion about that, I decided I would get out of the house, and go to get some chocolate.  I went down to the nearest supermarket and did.  When I got back, I was feeling happy again, and I went into the kitchen.  I know remember how we got there, but referring to the college thing again, my dad said something about me not doing enough work for it…I do.

We had an argument, really sort of big, and it got me really worked up.  I stormed into my room, slamming the door to work out my anger, and hitting the wardrobe (its great having a big strong wardrobe, lol).  I got into bed, and just cried.  It just sometimes feel that they don’t do anything to try to support me in college, and that was one of those moments.  I lay there crying.  Natalie messaged me, which made me feel better.  My dad came in and was going to give me some thick socks to wear in my room once the heating went off (it gets cold on the floor at this time of night, lol)…but I just told him to go away…he did.

I think I fell asleep, because the next thing I know Natalie is ringing me, and its about 20 past 8.  I spoke to her, which really made me feel better.  I found out that she has been offered a place at Uni (actually 2, but she didn’t know that until later tonight), and that’s great (I knew she would, no matter what she said).  So then I came online.  Talked to Natalie…she makes me feel so much better.  As he was going to bed, my dad came in.  He brought the socks back, and said sorry.  He said that he shouldn’t have said what he did and that he was sorry.  Honestly, it made me feel so much better.  I almost cried again while I was talking to him, but managed not to.  Now I feel fine, and I found out that Lancaster have offered me two Bs and a C in either politics or maths, so I think I might be in with a chance if I crack on…I really feel quite happy now.  Until then I hadn’t done any more work for college – I didn’t feel up to it after that.  It was then I started some…and is why I am still doing it (going to go to bed when I do this – have more than just 3 hours sleep, lol!).

I just put the bread on.  My mum wants it for 6 in the morning, and I was going to do a wholemeal loaf, but I realised half way though that I couldn’t and still have it done for 6.  I botched together a made up half wholemeal, half normal brown loaf and set that off (I didn’t use all the flour I was supposed to either, because I didn’t want to have to open another bag, I was about an 8th of a cup short), so I don’t know if it will work very well…we will have to see!

And now I need at least some sleep – I’m not in college first thing luckily, so I might get about 6 hours sleep if I set the alarm for 9.20.