Jonathon Wardman

Long entry, but I want to catch up

Well I have so much to write about!  I’m starting this now (just gone 1am, Monday morning), but I bet I don’t end up finishing tonight, lol.  So here goes…

Well, its the holidays from college now (yey) actually has been for the last week, but I don’t seem to have had much rest – my computing project was supposed to have been in for the Friday that we broke up, but it wasn’t despite my staying up all night on Thursday to attempt to get it done.  I took what I had done of it (something like 27 pages) to David my tutor on Friday and told him that he could have that now, and I would give him more as I got it done (ie, over the weekend), or I could give him it all in one go later.  He said he would be in college on Thursday so I could get it to him then.  That was great, and so that’s what I did.  It still wasn’t finished though, but this time it wasn’t my fault – the people I made the system for didn’t get back to me with feedback quickly enough to be able to put in an appraisal – and I didn’t want to spend loads of money on a print out of my program listing for the appendix when I can do it free at college!  So I took the rest of it in on Thursday.  When I got there I found that the staff room was totally deserted, and on his desk was Paul’s project as well.  I don’t really know if that’s a good sign – had I missed the time he was in, so he will get it really late, or had he just not been in that day meaning that it wasn’t my fault?  Either way, I left it on the desk and went.  In the car park I helped to get a car going, and then went on clothes shopping.

A bit earlier in the week (like Monday I think), Natalie and I went to see the film ‘Johnny English’.  Its very funny, we both enjoyed it.  We went to the Cinema in Bradford because its easy to get to and has bargain day Mondays and Tuesdays.  It was my treat so I paid for it, even though she kept trying to.  Natalie had stayed at my house over the weekend, and it had been nice for the most part…and Monday was nice too, but thing went wrong when we got back.  My dad started it.  I remembered that my mum had asked me to make some bread that day, and I forgot.  So I was going to do it when we got back, and I set about going to get everything ready for it.  I couldn’t find the measuring things (they don’t have a real home in our kitchen because they are used a lot), so I asked my dad if he knew where they were.  Now I don’t think I said anything wrong to him, and I don’t think that what I said to him was really bad tempered, but he obviously thought so.  He came in to the kitchen and said something about me not needing to be so bad tempered, then he turned to Natalie and said ‘I don’t know how you put up with him’, to which she replied ‘I don’t listen’.  I know, if I think about it, that she didn’t mean anything by that, but it upset me.  To be honest I know I over reacted to it all, and I think it was because of a number of things – the pressure I had been under about college and the lack of sleep being the biggest things – but I did, and it did upset me at the time (I say that because I don’t think it would now if it was said, it was just like then).  So anyway, I stormed upstairs and Natalie followed.  There ensued a big fight – she kept apologizing and I kept saying how it didn’t matter how sorry she was feeling because the damage was done and did she not realise that my dad had said it just to get at me and she made it worse with her response.  I don’t honestly remember the details exactly, but I know all too well what happened into it – she came to hug me and I pushed her by her forearms onto the floor and went to my bed.  I knew I shouldn’t have done it as soon as I did, and I just lay under the covers and cried.  She came over and tried to get me to look at her but I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to have done that, I didn’t want to look at her.  She did manage to get me to, and all I wanted to do was hug her.  During the course of it all though I had said that she should just leave me – that I obviously wasn’t making her happy and that she should leave me.  In some ways I still think that – if I’m not making her happy then she should leave me.  I’ve said right from the beginning that all I want is her to be happy, and if she isn’t with me, then I do want her to go and find someone she is happy with.  Then again, I don’t know what I would do without her, really I don’t, and I don’t want her to go…hmmm.  So anyway, the last week was a bit scratchy – we didn’t seem to be getting on so well when we spoke – so we arranged to see each other Thursday and sort things out before we went out to Emma’s party Friday.  I went to her house and stayed there Thursday and we talked a bit, but we seemed fine, and next day we were happy.  I went home and agreed to meet Natalie after work to go to Emma’s party.  I’ll get onto that soon.

Last weekend my band had a gig with another band (one that some of my friend’s are in), and Ben, our bassist, invited quite a few people from Theatre school – Dean, Emma and Alex turned up.  The gig went quite well but we messed a few things.  People seemed to like it and didn’t really notice (and actually we videoed it and I was watching that back the other day and I could almost have fooled myself into thinking I knew what I was doing, lol).  It was good fun, and good experience, so worth it.  Natalie couldn’t come because she was working.  Anyway, afterwards people stayed over at Neal’s (our lead guitarist’s) house.  Ben, Scott, his g/f, Justin, Matthew, Tim, Bateman, Alex, Dean, Emma and I to be exact.  Everyone bar me was pretty drunk, and most of us slept in the living room (Neal, Scott and his g/f didn’t).  We all had a game of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire on the play station to begin with (girls v. boys…although seeing as we only had one girl it was Dean, Emma and I v. the rest of them, and we still won 😀 ).  When that game was over people settled down and talked.  I don’t sleep at other people’s houses so I didn’t, I carried on playing by myself.  I was next to Emma on the floor, and my arms were aching from propping myself up, so I asked her if I could lean on her back, and she said yes, so I did.  It was innocent.  When people finally went to sleep (about 3.30), I sat up all night and watched the world go by until they woke up again at just gone 20 past 7.  There was bacon and egg for breakfast (I had a slice of bread, lol), and then I left to get the bus home with Dean and Emma who were also heading back (I took my camera, sticks and tripod home with me).  I got in about half 10 and had breakfast with my parents.  The problem with all this came when I told Natalie about it.  I told her all of it including when I leaned on Emma’s back to play the game.  She didn’t like that 🙁  I swear it was totally innocent, and I told her that, but she didn’t like it – she doesn’t seem to like me interacting at all with any other female.

Right, so, Emma was having a party for her birthday on this last Friday night to Saturday.  She invited both me and Natalie but only messaged me (asked me to ask both Natalie and a friend of mine if they could go), this was a cause for some upset for a start.  Natalie didn’t like that Emma messaged me to ask her when she knows her mobile number.  I didn’t, and still don’t, see why that is so bad…anyway… I had to try my best to convince Natalie to first of all go (it felt like she was being as obstructive as possible – I don’t know if she was or not, but that’s certainly how it felt), and then to actually stay the night.  I wanted to but she didn’t – she wanted to get a taxi home at whatever time.  Last time there was a party we did that and missed loads, I didn’t want that to happen again.  The thing is all the way through school I was never invited to places and parties when other people were, and now I am I want to get involved.  It upsets me a little even when she tells me of things she went to with her friends that some of my friends went to as well, and I didn’t know about in the past.  I know that’s me being silly, but hmm.  Anyway, I want to make the most of things now…so I wanted to go, and stay.  I told Natalie that she didn’t have to go if she didn’t want – I knew she wouldn’t like it much, I don’t know why, but I kind of knew – but she insisted she wanted to.  So we did.  I had a feeling that she only wanted to go to keep her eye on me, and to some extent I felt like that when we were there as well.  She says that’s not why, but it still felt like that.  It felt like she wasn’t there for her own enjoyment and she was just following me about and I don’t like that for two reasons really – I don’t like feeling like she is clinging onto me (and I don’t mean it like I don’t enjoy having her about, because I do, I really do, but that I don’t like feeling restricted in what I can do because she is there.  The thing is I won’t do anything she won’t like – I’m not about about run off with someone else – but when she is always following me about I feel like I am being kept in check), and secondly because I am aware that we are doing everything I want, and she isn’t enjoying it.  I did say that to her at one point, and it seemed to make a difference – she went and did what she wanted to do, and seemed to cheer up a bit for that time.  So, anyway, next day I thought we were alright again, but apparently Natalie didn’t.  She sent me a long email the other day about it all, how I felt and how she felt, and I think we decided that we would try to make things how they were – not arguing and things – and I want to, I really want to try.

We have got on better this last few days, and I am seeing her tomorrow (or today as it is now) after I get back from the cinema.  I’m going to see ‘Phone Booth’ in Bradford at 11 hopefully (I don’t think its the kind of thing she would like – we saw a trail for it when we saw ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ together, and I remember she said she didn’t think it looked very good, sooo), then I’m going to ring her on the way back and meet her.  Then I think we are going to spend the night together, so I’m looking forward to it 🙂

And I think that’s about everything caught up with.  It’s taken me long enough (actually about 24 hours and 35 mins, lol), but I wanted to say it all!