Jonathon Wardman

Natalie, Mike, and Lollies!

Oh dear, I think I have done it again – its just gone 2am, and I am still doing college work :-\  Actually I am writing an email to the person at my mum’s work who is in charge of the silver surfers project (to get old people to use computers), about my computing project – I’m making them a program to replace the paper system for tracking the punters, lol.  I always end up working late on things like this!

Anyway, tomorrow I am going to seen Natalie (yey).  I miss her in the week…I mean, this week has been better than normal because we had Tuesday, and last week we had Wednesday, but normally its awful, I miss her so much when we aren’t together.  Hmm, last night we argued again…and it was about the same sort of thing as before.  I know why she feels the way she does, and thinks the things she does, but it hurts that she feels that she can’t trust me.  I’m trying my best to do everything I know to do to make it so that she trusts me the way I trust her, but it just feels like its not working…I think, deep down, that is must be, mustn’t it?  I mean, it must make some difference somewhere, even if I can’t see it now.  Yes, it hurts that I feel that she just wont believe me whatever I say, no matter what I say, when I know I have never lied to her, and I never will do.  It hurts that whatever I do it feels she is always looking for me to do something that might indicate that I’m not telling her the truth in some way…but I know why, and I don’t blame her for it…but it still hurts, you know?  God knows, I’ve cried about it for the last few nights, and I can’t help it.  The thing is – I love her, I really love her, and I can’t fight the feelings that I get when I’m with her, and I can’t pretend that I don’t feel the way I do when I talk to her, because its there, and its not going away.  I love her, and I’d do anything for her, and I want to help all that I can…I’ll wait if she wants, I’ll be there when she wants, anything at all, because there is no point in trying, and I don’t want to try, to do anything but that when I feel the way I do.  We talked tonight, for a while, on the phone (initially about this) and it felt so good to talk to her…I said this to her tonight – when I told her that I’d be there for her forever, I meant it, and I still mean it, I’ll mean it no matter what, because I love her.

On other things, Emma and Mike want to meet Natalie and I after theatre school on Saturday…so I think we will do (heh, I want to meet him!), hmmm, so we will see how that goes (I’ve heared sooo much about him, and he has heared about me too, apparently :-\  So thats Saturday, and I will just have to write about that in here when it happens (if it happens, hehe), so you will know!

Also, I’m a bit worried – I think I have got addicted to Megga Double Lollies.  I used to have double lollies a bit, and then the other day last week I was in Woolworths I saw some huge ones, and bought one (only 25p!), and it took me all the way home, and some more, to finish it.  I liked it, so I bought 2 next time I was there…and then today, I found myself buying 4 of the things.  They are sitting on top of my computer now looking appealing, but I’m going to try to keep them as long as possible before eating them, because I know that when they are gone I’ll only buy some more.  I should try to get off them, but I think there must be something in them that is addictive, I’m sure they are addictive!  So, hmmm.

And I should definitely go to bed (lol, its now about quarter to 3 (I’m not that slow at typing, I was also finishing that email…and forgetting to spell check the thing before sending it off, and then writing another one giving excuses for the spelling of the first, lol)), so I’m going to be off…speak to you all soon I hope 🙂