Natalie’s Email

Post length: 964 words, about 4 and a half minutes.

Hello,

I have no idea how to start.  I’m just sat in front of my computer hoping that I’ll be able to find the appropreate way to say the things I want to say.  I guess this is one time when the well practiced English skills have deserted me.  Starting’s always the most difficult thing to do in letters and E-mails.  Once you have the start the rest should just come out of thin air.  But I’m a paragraph in and still have no idea how to say it.

I guess I’ve chosen this method of communication because it’s easier than doing things face to face.  I know we’ve talked but I’ve found it quite difficult to communicate my feelings to you that way.  I find verbally communicating my feelings daunting and a little bit frightening.  I know I always manage to mess up what I want to say when speaking to you because I get so nervous and just end up jibbering on or getting my words mixed up. Or I just end up missing the point entirely.

But I’m going to get to the point now and I’m going to say everything I intend to say.  There’s no point in pretending anymore, I know things aren’t right between us.  I also know that the way I behave sometimes riles you.  I know I upset you at Emma’s party and I know you think I don’t trust you.  I also know that I have become a little self obsessed which is also infuriating.  However, nobody’s perfect and nobody does everything right all the time.  I am not some angelic being who does everything right all the time, I know you know this.  I try my best to make you happy and most of the time I’m just looking for your approval.

I may not be the most intellectual, attractive or understanding of people but I do try my best with what I have.  I may not have as much intellectual knowlege as you but I do really try and despite what you may think, I’m not a person to give up until it’s obvious that there’s no point anymore.  Why do you think I’m resitting maths?  More to the point why do you think I’m sending this email?  Why did I not just walk out on you the other day when you told me to?

The answer to all of this is quite simple: because I have hope that trying with all these things will get me somewhere.  I get annoyed with myself sometimes when I don’t do things the way I should have done and the way that I deal with our problems is one example of this.  When something happens like an arguement I get angry with myself, start getting upset and find myself in such a mess.  When I think you’re upset with me I get upset with me as well, not with you, with me.  I have never ever thought a bad or resentful thought towards you.  The thought of hurting you has never crossed my mind, I’d much sooner hurt myself than you.  I love spending time with you and I love you, even the irritating parts of you.  I would never try to change you.  I just want you for you.  I like you because you’re not just some prat in fancy designer clothes who is only capable of liniar, phatic and false conversation.

I do trust you.  I try not to follow you so much but at Emma’s party, when you went to take pictures, you were gone for quite a while.  I was just sat there in the room with Emma’s parents and some guy I don’t know.  I was bored and felt silly just sat there not knowing what to do.  That’s why I came up not to check up on you.  It just hurt when I asked you for a hug and you said NO and then kept on trying to get away from me like I was some stalker.  It just felt like you didn’t want me there, even if you didn’t mean to portrey that impression, thats how it felt at times.  It’s like today when I was talking to you on AIM, all you kept coming out with were
monosylabic words like “yes” “no” and “ok.”  It did feel like you were bored with me and couldn’t be bothered with me at all.  I find it quite hurtful that I was really trying with you and that’s the only conversation I got in return.  All I want is for us to get on well, for you to show me some affection and not be cold  towards me in front of people.  I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I am not trying to criticise you at all.  There are exteremly good things about our relationship as well.  I can tell you anything and you do help me alot when I’m upset.  We also have alot of fun together and even when we do the least significant things together like go for a walk, or just sit in the front room it seems special.  When we are on our own, you are extremely affectionate towards me and have a way of making me feel special.  I know I can be irritating, I’m not saying I’m perfect.  What we have is really special and what I want to ask for is a fresh start with you and to know how you feel. I love you so much and I don’t want to upset you or hurt you.  I just want you to know how I feel,

love always

Nat


Natalie sent me that the other day.  I didn’t ever reply.  I think we are alright now.  I know I love her.

Posted on Monday 21st April, 2003 at 12:00 pm in Life & Love, Open Diary.
It was tagged with , .

4 comments

Hey I found your blog one day when searching suicide rates in universities (grim – I know) and read about you and your relationship with Natalie. I hope it doesn’t sound stalkery but I’m interested to know what happened between you in the end. My boyfriend started university two years ago and I’m just about to go in October so when I originally read your other post about moving to uni I was interested to know how your long distance relationship went. I know it’s been nearly 10 years. Sorry 🙂

Posted on 8th Sep 2012 at 1:01 am by Emily.

Our relationship actually lasted the whole time we were both at university. Honestly though, looking back on it now, I’m not sure how or really why.

We would travel to see each other (in fact she only ever came to visit me once in the whole time while I went to see her every couple of weekends), and talk on the phone and online whenever she could get to a computer (back then she didn’t have internet in halls). Of course we’d spend time together in the holidays.

During our second year Natalie got jealous of one of my university friends. She convinced herself that there was something going on between us (there wasn’t and in fact she’s still my best friend to this day) and, despite me trying to get Natalie to come to visit and meet my friends so she could see, she didn’t want anything to do with my friends and wouldn’t believe anything I told her about us. Whenever I couldn’t answer the phone because I was busy, or went out with my friends, or did anything other than sit in the flat doing nothing she would get suspicious about what I was doing. We started to fight. But still we stayed together.

Once I left university I moved even further away; I didn’t have much choice, I had to be where my work was. We stayed together for about a year. I think in that time she visited only once or twice, I went up to visit her a few time too. Like my university friends the friends I made here never met her, despite me inviting her to, all they knew about our relationship was that we would fight a lot — they would hear me on the phone and know who I was talking to straight away just because it would be an argument. There was no sign that we could fix the relationship — she wouldn’t move to here, I couldn’t move to there — and I’m not sure if it would have worked out if we had managed to be together again. I decided that it was silly to carry on this way — it wasn’t make either of us happy — so ended the relationship. We had been together for 5 years.

It’s difficult being physically together and having the same experiences and sharing friends to then suddenly have totally different experiences, meet new people, and go in different directions. And university is just that, especially in the first year — they go out of their way to make sure this group of young people, suddenly thrown together from all kinds of different places and backgrounds, all become one happy group.

I guess it depends very much on the two of you. If you already had two years of him studying then you’ve got a head start on us — you know the complications university introduce to a relationship, at least one way. When you leave it’ll be a little more complicated, and it will depend on how he copes with you having those new experiences, but you are already half way there to coping with that.

So that leaves the distance thing. Apparently my experience with Natalie’s relationship didn’t put me off — for over a year now I have been in an even more long distance relationship. It involves aeroplanes. It’s going well, but it’s all we have really known long-term, there hasn’t been a big change in our relationship where everything we knew together changed. It’s also so much easier to keep in touch these days than it was even 10 years ago. Of course we want to be together, and I can’t say I think our relationship would last forever if we were to stay the way we are at the moment, but with the light at the end of the tunnel a year or two down the line (I guess that’s how long you two will have to be apart for university) I think it’s really quite achievable.

Posted on 15th Sep 2012 at 11:27 pm by Jonathon.

Quickly, because I’ve already written loads: I’m not sure what you were looking into exactly, and of course I don’t know which universities you are talking about but I’m sure they’re all similar in this way, but my experience is that universities have great support networks if they are needed.

In my second year I got depressed. I didn’t really realise it at the time, but looking back that’s basically what happened. I wasn’t enjoying my academic course, all this was going on with Natalie, and I just got worse. I had great friends, but with the work building up in the second year they obviously didn’t have the time to spend on me. I stopped eating well (or at all, really) and as a result I ended up sleeping for something like 18 hours a day. Eventually my parents worked out there was something wrong (although even now I don’t really know how because I never told them anything) and my dad got on a train, came to the flat and dragged me out. After that things got better.

I went for a couple of sessions with the university funded counseling service. Literally only a couple — I didn’t really want to talk about things, and by the time I realised / was told there was something wrong I was already on the way to sorting things out. That said, I’m pretty sure if I had gone to talk to them before it got to the point it did for me then it would have helped me sort things out quicker.

Anyway, that’s my story. I hope in some way it helps. Good luck!

Posted on 15th Sep 2012 at 11:57 pm by Jonathon.

Thank you, me and my bf have been going out for nearly 5 years as we started our relationship at a young age. We are actually moving even closer to each other soon (10 minutes on the train rather than 50) so I hope to see more of him. I’m going to Durham uni starting this Sunday 🙂 You have helped, thanks.

Posted on 26th Sep 2012 at 10:28 pm by Emily.

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